E is for exhausting

Week one of home school was overall pretty great. 

Week two...not so much. We battled resistance, rebellion, and tears all week long.

We planned so many very fun activities that any eight year old would love (so we thought). We had Ivelina making E's out of elbow macaroni, writing E's in shaving creme on her desk, making elephant masks, listening to books on CD, and counting elephant stomps.  It was going to be a fun week! 

Yet, Ivelina has it in her mind that she does not want to do school. As soon as her bottom hits her desk chair, she feigns helplessness and whines and cries her way through activities that are actually really fun!  Sometimes, we even suspected that deep down she really liked the activity and wanted to get into it, but she had determined that she was supposed to misbehave during school time.

For anyone who knows anything about previously orphaned children, you may know that these behaviors are common in many adopted children. Acting helpless and fake crying (and real crying) are tools of manipulation that adopted children once used in their institutions to get their way or to get precious attention, even if it was negative attention. Previously institutionalized children are master manipulators. Ivelina is no different.

By the end of the week, we were angry, exasperated, and exhausted. We wondered what in the world we could do to help motivate her to try her best and have fun at school. Jeremy and I came together for several nights after little one's bedtime to discuss, plan, and brainstorm what would help Ivie show some improvements in her behavior.

A Break from Babies
The first thing we did was establish a break from Ivelina's favorite toys, namely babies. This was prompted on Friday when she literally cried and whined for two hours, but the moment school was over, she happily skipped away to grab her baby dolls. This mama said, "I don't think so!" We explained to her how inappropriate her behavior had been and how she was losing her baby doll privileges indefinitely until she shows some major improvements in her behavior during school. We boxed them all up and put them out of sight. It may sound mean to some people, but we were already thinking that she had too many toys to play with anyway (too much stimulation). Her play is more obsessive and possessive when she plays with baby dolls too, so we are happy to see her playing nicely with other more constructive things. I'm sure we will eventually get a baby doll or two down for her, but right now, she is taking a break. She's also using the word "break" all the time now.  lol

Ivelina (translated): Baby dolls stay in the garage. Up high. 

Me: That's right.  You can have them back when you start having very good behavior at school.

Ivelina:  Take a break, Ivelina. Ivelina not behave, no baby dolls. Break. Say break, mama.

Me:  Break.

New School Rules
We made a list of the poor behaviors that Ivelina exhibits during school time. Then we tried to come up with a few behavior goals that we would like to see her reach. We boiled it down to four goals.

I resurrected my artistic ability to illustrate the rules so that they would make sense for Ivelina. On Sunday afternoon, we all sat down at the kitchen table and explained the four rules. Jeremy and I modeled what it would look like to follow the rule and not follow the rule. She thought us not following the rules was hilarious!  Then, we let her try. By the end of our session, she could explain all the pictures to us, telling us what they meant.

A New Reward System
Then, we broke out our new rewards system. Previously, we had a small piece of candy waiting for Ivelina in her last work box for the day. She only got the special treat if she finished school with good behavior. This wasn't working, so Jeremy thought of this idea:

We showed her a new "special treat bowl" and a big bag of tiny candies. We demonstrated how good behavior, meeting her behavior goals in each activity, would result in one candy being placed in her bowl. We let her do a simply tracing page while not following the rules, and then we let her try doing the page with good behavior. We let her pick a treat to put in her bowl. When school is over, she gets to have whatever she has earned in her special treat bowl.

Ivelina talked about the rules and the new special treat bowl for the rest of Sunday evening. Still, she also kept telling me that she was planning on misbehaving on Monday morning. Ugh...  Monday morning was pretty typical. When I left for work and Jeremy was beginning school with Ivelina, she was already acting out. Her first two activities were bleh--typical bad behavior, a couple of timeouts, etc. However, during one pasting activity (Ivie loves glue) she was doing an awesome job and was very pleasant, so she got to choose a candy to add to her bowl. This was exciting for her and seemed to improve her spirits. When she got to add a second candy, her attitude really started looking up. By the end of school time, she had earned three small candies, and she got to eat what was in her bowl.

She absolutely understands these rules, and in fact, we have been using them for other parts of the day too. She also understands the special treat bowl too. It's really not very much candy that she's consuming, and it is a very high-motivation treat for her. She can earn one candy for each of her work box drawers. There are nine. I was praying so much this morning that she would at least earn a couple so that she could see her success. My prayer was answered, and I'm hoping that each day gets a little better. I think she really likes the visual of seeing her special treat grow in that bowl as she works.

After my mostly positive post last week, I just wanted to post a realistic view of what we are dealing with. Home school last week was exhausting! I also wanted to post our ideas that we are trying out because I know they may help another family that is having similar difficulties. Next week, we'll evaluate how this is going, and I'll post again. In the meantime, if you have had similar experiences and have any ideas for us, please feel free to comment.

I'll leave with you with one of my favorite photos from school last week, Letter Ee.

Thanks for reading,

Shelly

So about that gotcha week in Bulgaria...Part 3

This post continues to describe our gotcha week in Bulgaria. 

If you missed Part 1, click here to read more.
If you missed Part 2, click here to read more.



Wednesday, June 11

Ivelina discovered a new inappropriate behavior today that she could add to her tantrums (as if they needed any more intensity). I will not go into all the sensitive details here, but I knew once she did it once that it wouldn't be the last time. I was right. Wednesday was tough.

One of my fears came true. After she got calmed down from a tantrum, we decided to walk to the park. She was doing so well outside that I decided to reward her with a piece of gum (duvka). She was SO excited about the gum! Unfortunately, while out she dropped the gum on the ground and when I wouldn't allow her to pick it up and put it back in her mouth, she threw a pure living fit, as we southerners like to call it. Here we were in the crowded walking area surrounded by people while Ivelina screamed bloody murder, wallowed on the ground, and cried uncontrollably. We found a little spot where we could sit on the ground with her, and we literally had to hold her down to keep her safe. As soon as we thought she was able, we started heading back to the apartment again. Jeremy had to carry her for part of the way because she refused to walk. I just kept reminding myself that although we were getting stared at, I would never see any of these people again. We met a lady in the stairwell of our building who glared at us and spoke something to Ivelina that I'm sure was not nice. Oh, how I wish I could've spoken Bulgarian to her!

From then on, "duvka" was an issue for us it seems. We had one other episode involving gum later on in the week, and we constantly had to watch Ivelina to make sure she wasn't picking up chewed gum off streets.


Thursday, June 12

We thought we would only be doing the doctor's visit today, and then the exit interview on Friday, but we ended up with a morning appointment at the clinic to have Ivie's skin test read and an afternoon appointment at the U.S. Embassy for our exit interview.So, by the end of the day, we would be done with all our adoption requirements.

We were so hoping that the second trip to the doctor wouldn't be as traumatic as the first. Thankfully, I don't know if it was the herbal medicine or the fact that she knew what to expect, but Ivie was much calmer during her second trip to the doctor. We did not have to wait as long this time either. When the doctor started checking her arm out, she and our translator began speaking in Bulgarian and then they told us she tested positive. What?! I think Jeremy and I both felt our hearts sink. We knew that there was a chance we would have to stay in country longer if Ivelina had active TB. We were very concerned, but then our translator told us that a positive reading is normal. Apparently, all children in Bulgaria receive a TB vaccine; therefore, most of the children will test positive for TB with the skin test. We didn't know this.

The next step is to do a chest x-ray. We walked back down the stairwell to an x-ray room. I was cracking up because when we walked in the x-ray tech seemed to have just finished up a cigarette. The room reeked of smoke. Ha! We're not in NC anymore. =)  Ivelina complied just fine and stayed very still for the x-ray. I was so nervous that she would test positive again. We had to wait just long enough for me to take her to the potty, and then another doctor read the results and told us that she was clear!  Yippee! 

Now it was on to the Embassy!  Our appointment was at 1:00. This was my first time in an embassy. At first, it was very much like entering an airport. We had to go through a pretty thorough security area. I didn't take a thing in with me so that they would have less to check. The security area was almost like a separate building. Then we exited and were outside again walking toward the actual U.S. Embassy building. They gave us a number, and we sat down to wait. We had to be quiet in the waiting area. Luckily, they provided some toys and coloring things for Ivie.

At the embassy I discovered one of Ivelina's big fears: automatic bathrooms. This was the first 100% automatic bathroom she had ever been in I'm sure. I honestly didn't think a thing about it because I am used to them, but the automatic flushing toilet made Ivelina practically throw herself against the wall to get as far away from it as possible. I realized she was nervous, so I started to demonstrate the faucet for her. When I held my hands under the water, she jumped when it automatically came on. She did reluctantly try the automatic soap and water, but the dryer was a big no, no!  The hand dryer was a kind you have to put your hands down in and it senses your motion and comes on. Again, I was going to demonstrate for her first to show her how it is done, but the loud noise terrified her, so we got out of there as quickly as possible. This experience would come back to haunt me as we traversed through airport bathrooms on the way home...stay tuned for that story!

We had to wait quite a while, but when they finally called our number, the three of us walked up to a private window. We sat Ivie up on the high counter and spoke with an American lady behind the glass. She asked us how our visit had been (do you really want to know?). How long had our adoption process taken? She also asked how many times we had visited Bulgaria. She asked what our impression was of the orphanage facilities. She asked how many days we had been in Sofia. These were not at all the types of questions we were expecting!  Then we had to raise our right hands and take an oath that everything in our documentation was accurate and truthful. It was quick and easy and stress-free!

Friday, June 13

After the exit interview, all we had to do was wait to receive Ivelina's visa which would be placed in her passport. The visa was issued on Friday, but for us it was just another free day as our agency staff picked up the documentation for us.

We wanted to try to do something special today; we wanted to have a picnic in the park. Every day we had walked past this very yummy-smelling food truck that served huge slices of pizza. Jeremy had been wanting to try it, but it would've been hard for him to get three of those huge pieces and bring them back to the apartment for us. Side note: In Bulgaria, everyone eats while they walk!  There were little food trucks or walk-up to-go restaurants everywhere. Some of these places are actually underground, so from the street, you can see these little windows on a building down near the sidewalk. You order what you want from the little window. It was strange to us! I think walking while eating is how they stay so fit. No one jogs like in the States. The people seem to nibble all day long as they walk to and from where they need to go. Most of the people seemed thin and in shape too.

Ivie trying to figure out the best way to eat the pizza.

We took a blanket from the apartment, some water bottles, and a ball. I got Ivie situated in a grassy, shady low-traffic area while Jeremy went to fetch the pizza. She probably thought we were so strange for eating pizza while sitting outside on a blanket, but I thought it was divine. Th temperature was perfect. Someone was playing music in the background. The pizza was delish!  Ivelina didn't know quite how to hold the slice. I think she had a hard time biting through such a thick piece of bread too. After we ate, we played around with a little kickball for quite some time. Ivie had fun kicking, throwing, and bouncing the ball. She and Jeremy chased each other. I sat back and thought, "This is the real Ivelina." Everything seemed so normal in those moments. She seemed happy and adjusted as she ran around laughing and squealing after her Taty. I hoped I was seeing a glimpse of what she could truly be once she got past the fear, uncertainty, and confusion she was going through.

Then, we decided to brave the playground, but only the slides. They had large slides (I think they were cement) that were even big enough for adults. Jeremy and Ivelina did the slides together over and over!

We had implemented a new strategy today to help us manage certain inappropriate behaviors, and so far it seemed to be working. We had very few tantrums and very few serious behavior problems on Friday all the way up until dinner time. Then, our pleasant sweet girl switched personalities on us and began a fit in the bathroom. It was during this fit that a lady from our agency arrived with all of our documentation. (Err...they really had terrible timing on this trip!) So when they came in our apartment Ivelina was half-naked, wild, and I was in tears. She tried to help us get Ivie calmed down and under control, but even her best efforts in Bulgarian weren't enough. Poor Ivie! We just had no idea what was going through her head and her heart. We had had such a good day together. It was almost like she realized that she had gone all day without a fit, and she was determined to get one in before bedtime..ha! Thankfully, we did get her regulated before bedtime and she fell asleep fairly quickly tonight.

Saturday, June 14

Our final full day in Bulgaria. We were actually supposed to leave for home on this day, but when we were scheduling our airfare, we found an amazing rate that would save us almost $1,000, but it was only available flying out on Sunday. So, we opted to stay an extra day just to save money.

We tried yet another new fun thing today!  At the park, some gentlemen had about 10 battery-powered cars for kids to drive around. It only cost 2 lev to rent one, and you got to drive it until the battery went dead!  We had been watching kids driving them around in the park all week, but we didn't know how Ivie would handle it. On this final day, we decided to try it!  

 She loved "driving," but she obviously had never done it before. She never quite got the hang of steering and pushing the gas pedal at the same time. Taty had to do a lot of steering for her or she would've run over people!

I also started packing on Saturday. I packed Ivie's little pink backpack with her baby dolls, headphones, toiletries, and snacks. We left some toys and food behind donating them to the apartment for the next family that stayed there.

We were wondering if it would be a good idea to tell Ivelina about the airplane tonight or just wait and let her see tomorrow, but our translator said it was good to prepare her. So, right before bedtime we told her we would be going on a "somalette" the next day. We pulled up some You Tube videos of kids on planes too. We told her she would have a toilet on the plane and a seat and TV and breakfast, lunch, and dinner. She immediately showed signs of fear/stress, (lots of rocking, crying, nervous twitches) so we wondered if we made a good choice to talk with her about the plane.


Sunday, June 15

Finally, it was time to leave. We like Bulgaria, but we were so tired and weary and ready to get home. My brain hurt from trying so hard to juggle two languages for 11 days (a good reminder of what Ivelina would feel like once we left her country). We woke up Sunday morning at 5:00a.m. for our driver to pick us up and take us to the Sofia airport.

Ivelina was pretty much okay until our translator arrived. She came up to help us carry our bags down and tried to speak with Ivelina in Bulgarian about what was happening. Ivelina was scared. When we got downstairs to the car, it was a different car than we had been in, and she though the car was the airplane!  She was crying and whining and having a fit while our translator tried her best to drive. She continued this same extremely loud nervous, anxious, fearful behavior in the parking deck and in the airport check-in desk.

Finally it came time to head up the big escalators toward security. It was time to say good-bye to our friend from our Bulgarian agency. I was very scared myself. I just knew Ivie's behavior would get worse and worse. She was already scared, security would be scarier, and then the actual plane-- I didn't even want to think about it.

Surprisingly, once our translator was gone, Ivie actually quietened a bit. We found out quickly that escalators freaked her out, so for the rest of our trip home it was stairs for us! Security was so crowded. Ivelina kept reaching out trying to touch everyone and everything that was near her. This was difficult to manage.

When we finally got to our gate, we had plenty of time. So, we sat and Jeremy went to get us a snack. He came back with the most delicious doughnuts and juice! At this point, I was still a little scared of being left alone with her in public. I had to watch our bags, keep an eye on where our money and sensitive documents were, plus keep Ivie somewhat quiet and close to me. Ahh!  I was probably just overreacting and being a worry-wart, but the crowded airports were incredibly stressful for me. After eating we tried out the public restrooms, which she was very suspicious of. She did ok. Whew! Then, we had to catch a bus out to our plane. I thought security and the gate area were packed! This little bus was standing room only. Ivie was squished between Jeremy and some random stranger. I holding onto a pole with my face right in some stranger's stinky armpit.

Finally, the dreaded plane to Rome. I had no idea what to expect. Ivie had calmed some, but I suspected that when the roar of those engines started she would be a mess. She and Jeremy sat in the row behind me and a Bulgarian man. Ivie had the window seat. Thank goodness, much to my surprise, she actually liked the plane!!  She looked out the window. She liked it when a snack and drink were served too. We flew from Sofia to Rome. The descent was one of the worst I have been through. There were clouds galore, and the plane just rocked and shifted and dropped continuously for 30 minutes. I was gripping my seat and holding my breath, trying to keep my stomach calm.

Meanwhile, my little Bulgarian was jammin' through the turbulence.

.

The pilot did finally land that bird safely in Rome. I was very glad that our layover was short because this airport was not fun for us the first time around. We found a little area where there weren't too many people, and Ivelina pretended her baby dolls were flying around like airplanes for most of the time. We had a snack. Then I decided to take Ivie to a nearby bathroom. Thanks to the traumatic automatic bathroom experience at the U.S. Embassy, she continued to be terribly skeptical of the restrooms. When I opened the door, she peered in cautiously checking out the scene. There was a line, but all seemed safe to her so she came in with me. I got her into a stall. She used the potty. I thought all was well until we opened the stall door. No one had used the hand dryer until we stepped out of our stall. The noise of the dryer stopped Ivie in her tracks. She sank down into the bathroom floor and tried to crawl back into the stall. I had ahold of her and was trying to get her to stand back up. She was in "flight" mode by then. Nothing I said or did consoled her or quietened her down! She was shrieking and screaming on the floor while everyone stared at us wondering what the heck was wrong!  I tried to pick her up, but she was making it impossible, so holding onto her hand I just drug her out. Yah, I drug her across the bathroom floor, past the dryer, with her screaming bloody murder. I just knew I had to get her out of there! Once we were out of the bathroom she was immediately ok. Jeremy had heard the commotion from all the way over where he was sitting with our luggage. Now, I was really stressed out!! After that display of fear, I was worried about getting her to use another public bathroom ever again! Could she hold it all the way home?!

Next, I worked on getting our seats switched around because the airline had Ivie sitting 8 rows ahead of us. We were so blessed that they were able to get all three of us seated together, and we got the front row!!  You know, the one with all the leg room and no seats in front of you! I was thrilled!

Here we are in our awesome front row seats. I look rough because I woke up with a busted blood vessel in my eye. It was all bloody, plus I was stressed and worn out. Ivelina was in the middle of rocking back and forth, so she couldn't manage a smile for the photo.

This plane was huge, and the flight was very smooth. The food was not kid-friendly at all, so Ivie didn't eat much except the snacks we brought with us. Ivie loved getting a blanket to cover up her legs (she still loves having a blanket on her at all times). Although we each had our own TV to watch, Ivelina wasn't interested. I thought she would sleep, but no, she didn't. At one point, I even gave her a little children's Benadryl tablet to help make her tired, but she still didn't sleep any more than 30 minutes. She rocked. For hours, she has this circular rhythm that she rocked back and forth in her seat. At times, she would add a little repetitive vocalization to the rocking. We thought we would go insane just watching her. (This is a typical orphanage habit, but it was very pronounced on the plane).

This was a super long flight. At some point, it should've been a new day for us, but since we were flying with the time zones on the way back, it felt like time was standing still. My body was screaming for sleep, but I can't sleep on planes normally and especially not with a rocking 8 year old next to me. It was torture to be so tired and not be able to sleep!

We flew straight to Charlotte, NC. That last hour on the plane was terrible. We wanted off so badly that I wished I could parachute out of there! Then, once we were on the ground my excitement sank when we had to wait in a long line of planes to get up to the terminal. That front row seat became another huge blessing as we entered the airport and were the very first people through immigration. I had heard from other adoptive families that the immigration procedure in Charlotte was terribly long. I didn't quite know what to expect, but I was prepared for another long torturous wait. We handed our precious envelope of adoption documents to the immigration officer, and he handed us a card with a number on it. We proceeded to the next check-point and handed the card to the officer. He told us to walk down this particular hallway. We waited for like 5 minutes until the next immigration officer motioned us over. He asked about our trip and about Ivelina. He took her fingerprint and tried to talk to her. Al the while, she was going behind his desk trying to show him her baby doll. We were with him for only about 10 minutes. He gave us clearance, and we were off to get our bags!  Easy peasy!

Ivelina touched every. single. bag. that passed by on the conveyor belt. She waved at every nearby person, saying "drasti" (she didn't quite realize that no one around her knew what she was saying). Part of me was SO happy that no one knew what she was saying. At least if she chattered something inappropriate, we wouldn't get mean looks.

We hit that incredibly humid NC air as we stepped outside, and we had to wait to catch a bus back to our parking lot. This little 10-15 minute wait was stressful because Ivie was once again picking up gum from the sidewalks and putting it in her mouth. Our hands were full of luggage; it was so hard to keep a handle on her.

We got our car, and there was a little friend waiting in Ivie's seat.

She was excited to see her novia igrachki "new toy" because there had been a photo in her photo album of Mickey sitting on her new bed. I think she remembered him. We got her loaded up and started our drive home. I sat in the back seat with Ivie. Much to my surprise, she slept almost all the way home. Even a little fire cracker like her will sleep after being awake for over 24 hours (i think?)

When we got home, my mom and sister and niece had filled our pantry and fridge with fresh food and they were waiting on us to arrive!

This is Ivelina meeting my 10 year old niece for the very first time. My family didn't stay long, but it was so nice to see them.

We had made it. We survived gotcha week. It was not all the rainbows and butterflies I thought it would be. It was grueling. But we got our girl. I am happy to say to future adoptive parents out there that it gets better. Gotcha week is incredibly stressful mentally, physically, and emotionally. You will probably say and do things out of stress that you will regret. You will probably think already by Day 2 that you have just ruined all hopes for attachment with your child. You may feel guilty. You may feel inadequate. You will need forgiveness. You will need your spouse or travel companion. Just remember that God's grace is new every morning. Tap into that. If you are like me, you will need it. My constant prayer was "Lord forgive me. I can't do this without You. I don't have enough love or patience. It has to come from you. Please give me an extra dose of these things and help me love my daughter well." And I do-- I love her to pieces!


I hope you enjoyed reading our gotcha story. Yah, I know it was long...kuddos if you actually read everything in all three posts! If you have any other questions about gotcha week in Bulgaria or just general adoption questions, leave a comment below! I read them all and answer as I am able.

Thanks for reading,

-Shelly

Our silly girl now at almost two months home   =)

So about that gotcha week in Bulgaria....Part 2

If you missed Part 1, read more here!

This part of the story may be surprising to some readers. Many adoptive families, me included, really look forward to gotcha week and hope and dream that it is a beautiful time to spend together in your child's birth country. Gotcha week is what we worked two years for after all! I really never expected the week to be so hard. I never expected to have such a difficult time loving my daughter. I had read so much, prayed so much, watched so many DVD's, and read so many blogs that I really thought I was prepared. Not so. Honestly, gotcha week was the most challenging week of my life! Being a mom is hard. Being a mom to an 8 year old who has only known institutional life is harder. Add an additional dose of jet lag and being in an unfamiliar country with no support system nearby and being a mom is even harder. Please know that I love my little girl, and things are exponentially better now, but gotcha week was grueling. Here we go!

Friday, June 6

After that first restless night with our daughter, we were frazzled to say the least. Because we had not arrived back at the capitol in time the previous day, today was the day that we needed to go apply for Ivelina's passport and get her photo made. This had to be done at the police department. We were so ready to get out of the apartment, and it had only been one day!

A staff member from our NGO picked us up in the morning and we made the short drive to the PD. The whole process was very quick.  We stepped into a little cramped cubicle type thing. Our translator had all the necessary paperwork. Ivelina sat in front of a little camera and had her photo made. The end. We were back at our apartment in no time with instructions that we would have free time until the passport was ready (possibly Monday but more likely Tuesday).  Ick! 3-4 more days of staying in our apartment trying to wrangle a wild, confused, scared little girl who was acting out and testing us like crazy!  Not our idea of a fun weekend at all. We just kept wondering why the country couldn't organize this trip more efficiently where we weren't just hanging around with so much dead time.

So, we did the best we could to keep busy in the apartment. And with so much down time, we were very thankful to be in an apartment where we had more room as opposed to a small hotel room.

 We watched way too much Animal Planet.

 We played everything we could possibly think of with baby dolls: dressing them, bathing them, bandaging them up, feeding them, and putting them to bed, etc. I thought I would go insane from baby doll overdose!

Play Doh was a hit too. Ivelina preferred for us to make things for her, but in this photo she had whipped up some zakuska (breakfast) for her dolls.

Jeremy gave me respite by taking Ivelina out by himself for a walk every now and then so I could shower in peace, clean the apartment, and have some computer time. I gave him some respite by watching Ivelina in the apartment while he walked to get groceries or pick up food at a restaurant for us. These moments of alone time were golden.

Saturday, June 7

We Skyped with my sister in the morning. Her name was easy for Ivie to pronounce, so every time we used the computer she would ask for my sister by name. Skype caused her to get a little hyper, so we kept it short. It was nice to have a connection to home though. 

We decided to venture to the park today. I was so nervous to take her in public during our pick-up week. Maybe it was jut this new mom overreacting.  Ivelina came to us with a bad nervous habit of giving the middle finger to random people and objects. I was worried she would do this as we walked on the busy streets. She was also constantly chattering in Bulgarian, and we had no idea if she was saying something inappropriate or not. She was also having lots of tantrums in the apartment, and I worried she would have one out in the park. Our gal was having bathroom issues too, so I worried about not being near a public restroom and her having accidents. I was unsure of how she would play with other kids on the playground, so we steered clear of that. Every time we went out, it just felt risky and nerve-racking for me. Still, it did us all some good to walk and get some fresh air. We went on 2-3 walks to the park every day! We made the walks just a little longer each day. We tried just one new thing at a time when we went out.  We just weren't at all sure what and how much stimulation Ivie could handle.

 This was a conche (horse) ride at the park.

 This is a somolette (airplane) ride with Taty as the pilot and baby in tow.

The three of us sitting in a shady spot, people watching. We did almost every time we out. Ivelina was fascinated as she watched baby strollers, boys, girls, and people walking dogs. The park was a very busy place- great for watching people!

Sunday, June 8

More of the same. Battling tantrums. TV, lots of eating, lots of baby doll play, and lots of walks to the park. We were lucky that the weather was lovely. Sunny every day with temperatures in the 80's. I don't know what we would have done if it was yucky weather and we couldn't get outside! What a blessing that we had our gotcha trip in the warm summer months. We also Skyped with Baba Gran on Sunday (Jeremy's Mom). Ivelina loved it, but got pretty worked up too.

Monday, June 9

We were so hoping this would be the day that Ivelina's passport was issued. We actually thought this would be an American passport, but it was a Bulgarian passport with a special visa inside that would allow her to enter the U.S. as a citizen.  We were getting reeeaaallly tired of all the down time. The night before we had another bad bedtime experience. Here's an excerpt from an email I sent our family:

It's 12:30 a.m. right now.  We just finished up a lovely 3 hour bedtime tantrum....if you want to call it that.  Let me just say Ivelina has pee on her hands. I have her pee on my pants. She is asleep in only her shirt. All her pillows and blankets + her underwear and pants are scattered on the floor of the bedroom. And I smell like BO.  Do they make mom deodorant?  If so I need some because by the end of a tantrum I smell like a horse.

The day kept creeping by with no word from our agency. Finally, we called on the special cell phone they gave us. They told us that, unfortunately, the passport would not be ready until Tuesday. Someone from our agency would go pick it up, and then we would all head straight to the medical clinic for Ivelina's exam and TB skin test. We were a little disappointed, but at least we knew all this would take place on Tuesday!

Overall, Monday was a good day.  Ivelina had a few minor meltdowns, but we could already see glimpses of her learning how to self-regulate a little better today. We also decided to let her try the big potty today instead of the little training potty she had been using. She climbed right up there like she had used a big flushing toilet before; we were thrilled! No more washing out that little potty 50 times a day!  Yay!  Bedtime was better tonight too. We learned that no snacks or drinks after dinner helped her be a little more calm and ready for sleep.  Also, we really tried to wear her out during the day, so she would be nice and tired at night. The girl is a little ball of energy!


Tuesday, June 10

No photos from today. We should get an extra gold star in our crowns for the fact that we even survived this day. We did get Ivie's passport, and we got her medical exam and TB skin test out of the way!  Yay for completing these important steps in the adoption process. That's about all that was good about the day though. We hopped from tantrum to tantrum all day long.

We were expecting our translator to pick us up around lunch time. In the morning, we went out for our early walk as usual but we didn't even make it to the park because Ivelina could not control her behavior. So, back to the apartment we went and played around inside with a few mini-meltdowns thrown in until lunch time.

After lunch, something trivial set Ivie off and we were in the middle of a fit when our phone rang. Our ride was waiting downstairs. Terrible timing!  So, we wrestled her shoes on and holding both hands managed to get her down three flights of stairs. She was out-of-control in the car; even our translator couldn't calm her down. Then, when she was told that we were going to a doctor, she became even more hysterical (I didn't think that was possible, but oh was I wrong).

The clinic was a multi-level, crowded building with a narrow stair case leading up and down. Our translator guided us all up two flights...boy, Ivelina's wailing really echoed in that stairwell.  It was all very confusing. Parents and children were sitting in the hallways. We stepped into some kind of tiny play room that was really only big enough for us. Ivelina was hysterical, soaked from sweat, and extremely loud. Evidently, someone complained and a staff person asked our translator to make us wait outside. She said this was very rude for someone to ask us to do this, but really I was grateful. We walked to little shady bench outside. Ivelina was just as loud, just as uncontrollable but at least we had fresh air. After some time we went back inside and back up the stairs. More waiting outside of the doctor's door. Then, when we finally got in the examination room, Ivie settled somewhat. She knew the injection was coming. After all that build up and all that wailing, she didn't even cry when the doctor administered the skin test.  Go figure!

The doctor prescribed us an anti-anxiety herbal medicine to give Ivie for Thursday when we would have to come back to the office and also for the plane. We had never seen her in this state. It's hard to describe. You just had to be there. At one point we thought she was going to pass out. We did opt to fill the prescription mostly because we had no idea how she would react on the plane ride home. We definitely didn't want more of that kind of behavior for a nine hour flight home! We actually started her on the medicine right away hoping it would calm her a bit during normal daily activities too, but I'm not sure we could really tell much of a difference.

Our bedtime routine in the apartment went well, but as soon as we all hit the bed everything fell apart. Ivelina basically "tantrummed" herself to sleep. After the day we had just had, it was more than I thought I could handle.

It's hard to describe how emotionally, physically, and mentally drained I was during this part of the week. I'm thankful for other adoptive moms who reached out online and encouraged me that week. I needed it. Satan was stealing my joy, and I was letting him! Jeremy and I were so discouraged, so dejected, and even though we had only had Ivie for a few days, I really felt like a total failure as a mom. I was having such a hard time loving Ivelina. I felt guilty for that. She has been through so much, and Satan obviously wasn't happy that she was no longer an orphan. Another adoptive mom reminded me of this, and I began to see how our tough week could really be spiritual warfare in action. Jeremy's mother reminded us that he and I have each other and Jesus while Ivelina probably feels like she has no one at all. That thought saddened me so much!  No wonder she was displaying such wild, confusing, and difficult behaviors!

Now, we would have two free days, and then Friday would be the day for our exit interview at the embassy. Stay tuned for part 3 where I will describe the embassy experience and our last few days in our daughter's birth country.

I'll leave you with one final shot of me and Ivie at the park.  Of course, baby doll is pictured too!


Thanks for reading,
-Shelly

Meeting Ivelina - final day and saying goodbye

I have waited several days to blog about our final day with Ivelina. It was tough. I have been trying to figure out how much to share and how to articulate everything. Finally, here is a recap of our final day: both the good and the difficult.

Thursday was our final day to spend time with Ivelina.  I actually thought we would have Friday as well, but it turns out that we had to be back in Sophia for a morning notary appointment on Friday.


What a different day Thursday was!  During our first couple of days at the orphanage, Ivelina's behavior was overall wild, repetitive, and hyperactive. Like many orphans, she displayed a routine of behaviors that may have helped her self-soothe and calm herself.  Having us as guests this week through her off of her normal routine. She was kept out of school Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday in order to spend time with us, and she spent her time with us in a "special" room where she normally does not get to play. This was all new to her, so I'm sure she was feeling a bit uneasy and confused about her schedule. Therefore, when she entered the room with us she would follow a routine: check the bathroom, grab some dirt out of a potted plant, slap her face a few times, and find the baby doll. Following were a couple of hours of very repetitive doctor role play with the baby doll.

But, Thursday was different. Ivelina entered the room cheerfully and did not check the bathroom, did not grab dirt, and did not slap her face. She actually came right to Jeremy and me. We were preparing some balloons, which she immediately became interested in. Her baby doll was upstairs, and the doctor kit was on the table. I was shocked that she became engaged with us and the balloons instead of doing the repetitive doctor play with the doll. Ivie is very independent and wanted to blow up the balloons herself, but after slobbering up several with no success she finally handed them to us to blow up. We hit and kicked balloons off and on for a while. It was great fun!

She was also very interested in the girly things I brought with me on this last day. Thanks to the suggestions of some of my readers, I took hair clips, kids nail polish, lotion, and kids lip gloss-- all were huge hits on this last day. Ivelina is rather athletic and tough, but she is also a girly girl!  Playing with these items was fun and interactive, and it also revealed a lot about her fine motor skills. We were impressed with the way she could paint her own nails, and use lotion and lip gloss appropriately. 

We soon realized that she had not once picked up the doctor set. She was staying focused just a bit longer on activities. And she was calling us mama and taty. She sat on our laps, and seemed much more relaxed. She really enjoyed watching videos we had taken of her on our video camera. She actually stood still for about 2-3 minutes and watched one video intently. I felt like we were getting a glimpse of the real Ivelina from under all the confusion, frustration, and uneasiness that she had been displaying earlier in the week. I attribute this to her becoming more comfortable with us. She was just starting to attach and bond with us, and of course, it was time for us to leave.

When it was time for us to leave, the caretakers thought it would be best for her to be with us when they broke the bad news to her. So, she sat on my lap with Jeremy close by and one of the workers explained that we would not be coming back tomorrow. They explained how she would see us again but it would be a little while. We had to go home to finish preparing a place for her. As they began talking, I didn't even understand all that they were saying, but I felt Ivelina tense up a little. She pouted her lips and kept looking back at me saying that she wanted mama and taty. She didn't cry because, well, like many orphans, she does not cry, so I shed a few silent tears for her. I felt like I held it together pretty well, considering the sadness of the moment. I know she was confused, disappointed, and sad.

Most children would show these emotions through crying, sobbing, complaining, etc. But, Ivelina's response was very interesting. After she climbed off my lap, her behavior changed abruptly.  Calm, cheerful Ivie was gone. She grabbed a plastic baby bottle and began pretending she was a sick baby. She sucked the bottle, waddled around like a toddler and pretend cried. She never cried herself, but her impersonation of a crying baby was uncanny. How sad that the only safe way she knew to express her deep grief and emotion was through role play.

The way we parted ways was a surprise to us. We had been told that the workers would take her out of the room first, so that it would not seem like we were turning our backs on her and leaving her.  However, on this final day the care takers allowed her to walk us out of the building, which turned into her chasing us out of the gate and to our car. Our translator escorted her back to the gate, but she ran to us again and tried to climb in the car. This time the director came to grab her. It was heart-breaking. Not quite what we expected and definitely not a healthy good-bye for any of us.

We drove down the drive and I watched her in the side mirror for as long as I could. The drive was somber. I shed a few more silent tears while looking out the window at the bleak cloudy landscape. Our translator was silent and a little upset too I think. Jeremy was quiet in the back seat until we got back to Shumen.

I knew leaving would be hard. We had experienced an overwhelming week of getting to know our girl that included its ups and downs. We had seen that connecting with her was more difficult than we had first thought it would be. We had learned the true challenges of a language barrier. We had realized the reality of her special needs. But we had also seen a little lively girl whose story so far has been nothing but sadness. We had witnessed glimpses of her creativity, her quirks, her mannerisms, her likes and dislikes. On this last day we saw a small fraction of the child she could be if given the chance.Yeah, it was hard and it still is.

If I have ever questioned whether we are doing the right thing for her, I have my answer. A girl who has been abandoned and housed in an institution for seven years deserves better. She deserves not to be abandoned any more. She deserves to have two parents she can trust. She deserves love, and attention, and affection. She deserves to learn and grow and express herself in healthy ways. Even the workers at her orphanage who have taken care of her the best way they know how for all these years know that she needs more and deserves better. They know with love and a family and a home, she will blossom. I think so too. 

Now, with a little sadness and a little nervous excitement and with a lot of hope and prayer, we wait until a judge 5,000 miles away tells us she's ours and we can go get her. Please pray that she understands and can wait for us to return, just like we will wait for her.

Meeting Ivelina Day 3

Today was such a big day!  Taking Ivelina out into the city of Shumen for visa portraits. Taking a walk in the park. Meeting a few of her friends at the orphanage. Showing her a picture album of our family.  And playing doctor for hours of course!  Whew! 

In a way, today was the best day so far for us. In a way it was also tough for me. Right before we left the orphanage for our lunch break, we saw a group of children come into the dining area for lunch.  These were not children from Ivelina's group, but this was the first time we had any contact with any of the other orphans. Ivelina's orphanage is a medical care center for children with special needs. This group we saw were the most severe in their special needs. These children were so sad. They were smelly from soiled diapers. They were rocking and moaning. They were hunched over and they were all older in age.  It was all just heart-wrenching for me. I know we can do nothing for the "other" children right now. I also know that the reality is that their future is bleak. The chance of them all finding families to take care of them is slim. Even more heart wrenching is that many of them have living families in the area who just can't or don't want to care for them.  We met one boy who was crying because he wants so very badly to go stay with his family for the weekend. This boy was 18 years old.  We said hello to many of them. A few of the children who could walk came to hug us. The interaction only lasted for a few moments, but it was enough to bring me to tears once we were in the car. 

It's too much to process. Too much to put into words in one blog post. The needs are so great. Just pray for these children we saw today. Some are healthy (like two twin girls we met this afternoon) but many have very special needs. As one of the workers said to us as we were leaving today, "Pray for these children. They need so much and all we have to give them is love." 



On a lighter note, here is a beautiful photo of the mountain near Ivelina's village of Drumev. There evidently some very famous very ancient carvings in that rock face.

#changeofplans #wehatekidneystones

If I tweeted and if I even had a smart phone, those would be my hash-tags from the past couple of weeks.

Yes, we have had a big change in travel plans due to a certain husby getting a very large kidney stone.

When we first realized that his stone was way too big to pass and he would have to undergo surgery, we were still hopeful that all would be well before our trip to Bulgaria (which was originally leaving tomorrow). Unfortunately, it took the surgeon two tries and a lot of extra days to get this stone taken care of.  I am happy to say that as of about 9 p.m. last night, the stone is no more!  Jeremy just has a few days of recovery to get through and a few meds to take. We are praying that early next week, he will be back to 100%.

For both of us, this kidney stone situation has created SO much stress.  Jeremy has missed some days of work that he was planning on saving for adoption travel days. He's been in a lot of pain for a week or so now, and he hasn't been eating or sleeping very well.  Medical bills have started pouring in. Then, there were the plane tickets that were already booked to stress about.  We really didn't want to change our flight plan, and we actually didn't make the changes until today. But, we know this trip is so very important.  It's supposed to be a fun trip full of play and bonding and learning about our girl. We wanted to both travel in good health and without being on bunches of medications. So when we learned his 2nd surgery was going to happen two days before our departure, we decided to move the trip up another week.  

Right now, we have booked a new flight plan for Jan. 18-25 and we are praying that we will both be well and feeling 100% for this important step in our adoption journey.

We are so happy that the kidney stone thing happened while we were still here and not while we were in Eastern Europe.  We are also thankful that our travel agent at Adoption Airfare suggested that we purchase travel insurance.  I am so thankful that our stress level is starting to decline.

Now, we are looking forward to leaving in ONE WEEK!  It's crazy to think that on this night next week, I'll be folding and rolling clothes, gathering all my toys and goodies for Ivie, and digging out our passports.  Hopefully, I'll have a chance to blog again this week.  If not, I am planning on blogging from Bulgaria, so please check back for photos and updates from Europe!

Thanks for reading!

--Shelly

Preparing for Trip One (Part One)

I'm not supposed to cry.

In exactly one month, me and my love will fly over 5,000 miles to an unfamiliar country. We will be surrounded by a language and a culture we do not know.  We will trust some people we do not know to take us along a bumpy four hour drive to another small city where we will visit a government-run institution for children with special needs. We will meet the people who have taken care of our daughter for seven years. We will talk with them about her and ask every kind of question we can think of. Then, they will bring a little girl into the room whom we do not know but have been waiting ten months to meet. A room of people we do not know will be surrounding us watching us meet our daughter for the very first time. 

And, I'm not supposed to cry.   

As we prepare for this exciting, nerve-racking, wonderful trip to Bulgaria, this is one of the things I am most worried about---crying. 

I am a cry-er, y'all.  I was a blubbering mess during my entire wedding, and I cry at every sappy movie, every gotcha day video, every adoption story I hear.  I even sometimes cry when I see a sweet daddy and daughter out in public because it makes me think of Jeremy and Ivelina one day. 

Our case worker says that we want all of our time spent with Ivelina to be positive and happy. We want her to have fond memories of us when we leave. Understandably, she would be very confused to meet a strange couple for the first time only to see them visibly upset.  It just won't make sense to her.  So, that moment when we first see her, I will want to cry.  The emotions and nerves will be running high, and I will be fighting back tears, but for her sake, I'm not supposed to cry.

We will spend the week visiting her at her orphanage every day and playing with her, bonding with her, and helping her become comfortable with us. Then, after five glorious days, Friday will come. Friday we will say "see you later" (not good-bye) to Ivelina and again, while she is present, I am not supposed to cry. This seems humanly impossible to me, but again, we do not want her parting memory of us to be me breaking down into a pool of tears and collapsing on the floor with heartache.

When our week with her is over, we will make that bumpy drive and that long flight back home with empty arms. Then, I can cry.  I'm already mentally preparing myself. This trip is going to be SO good and SO hard. I really don't know how I'm going to handle it all. I guess I won't know until it's happening how heart-wrenching this trip is going to be. We are going to learn so much about our daughter that week in January, but leaving her there is going to be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. 

Thanks for reading,
--Shelly