What Makes Me Cry

So, pregnant ladies have some raging hormones I'm told.  Well, I'm thinking adoptive moms-to-be share this same woe.  On Valentines night I had to work at my "adoption job" (hostessing at a local restaurant).  I saw many, MANY sweet couples come in to enjoy an evening together, but one couple actually made me cry. 

This little family came in during the height of the V-day madness.  A young dad, young mom, and a sweet little newborn baby girl.  They had to wait approximately 30 minutes before a table was ready for them, and their little one was so well-behaved in her carrier the whole time.  Both parents doted on her, and everyone nearby was ooohing and aahhing over her as they all waited to be seated.  I was even thinking to myself that she was a pretty darn cute baby, and I was kind of wishing I had a little baby of my own!

Once they were settled in a booth, sweet baby girl started to cry.  Not little whimpers but that kind of gut-wrenching newborn cry that pierces the ear and drowns out all other sound.  Young mom rushed up to my hostess stand with a bottle asking if we could fill it with warm water from the kitchen.  The crying persisted, and I kept watching as both mom and dad attempted to feed the little one her milk.  They passed her over the table several times, both of them trying to no avail.  Young dad brought her up to the waiting area to try feeding and consoling her there.  Then, young mom took her into the ladies room.  The crying persisted. 

I started to feel really terrible for this young couple.  No doubt they've had their hands absolutely full since having their baby girl, and they were probably looking forward to an evening out of the house.  I know every other guest in the dining room was annoyed by the fact that their romantic evening out was being interrupted by a shrieking baby.  The couple was obviously embarrassed and frustrated; they spent probably 20 minutes trying everything to settle their daughter, but she was persistent with her crying.  Finally, young mom broke down. 

She was standing right in front of my hostess desk, rocking her shrieking baby in her arms, with silent tears streaming down her flushed face. Young dad was hovering nearby rubbing little one's head saying, "It's okay baby girl, it's okay..."  This image just got me.  What a real picture of parenthood, family, love, and sacrifice.  Young dad looked at me with an apologetic face and told me they were going to have to leave. 

Little one cried and cried while young dad went back to the table to leave some money, and tears started to burn my own eyes.  Why in the world was the sound of this crying baby making me cry on Valentine's Day?  I can chalk it up to "adoption hormones..."  ha!  Or, it could've been because I was thinking:

"This is how it should be.  This is what should happen when a baby cries.  Mom and Dad drop what they're doing and they focus on loving that child.  Babies should be consoled with hugs and warm milk, little boys should be rocked and held, and little girls should be oohed and ahhhed over.  New parents should be wiling to drop their evening out so they can go home to take care of baby. That's just the way it should be." 

I was also thinking of the many sweet babies in this world that are not born with these privileges.  Their bodies are not fed warm milk when they're hungry.  They are not rocked and cuddled when they are sick and crying.  There is no one present to ooohh and ahhh over them and tell them that everything's gonna be okay.  Some babies are abandoned on orphanage doorsteps.  Some are abandoned in far worse places than that!  Thousands of babies lie in orphanage cribs all over the world, and they never cry because they know it's useless; no one will come to comfort them if they do.  My soon-to-be son or daughter may be one of those unfortunate little ones, and that just breaks my heart.

Nothing will make me cry quicker than to think of these realities in our world.  I just didn't expect for a little family in a restaurant with a screaming baby on Valentine's night to remind me! 

Arise, O Lord, O God, lift up your hand.

Do not forget the the afflicted.

 Psalm 10:12

I will be joining my blogger friend, Jillian, in setting time aside each day of Lent to pray for the orphans in this world.  Will you join me?

Book Review ~ The Connected Child

A good friend at our church, who also happens to be in the adoption process, gave us this book right after Christmas.  She and her husband had the opportunity to attend the Empowered to Connect conference in 2012, and they claim it was life-changing.  The founder/leader, Dr. Karen Purvis, is an expert on helping adopted, at-risk children with traumatic backgrounds cope with their challenges and connect to their new family members.  This book is written by Dr. Purvis, and, I have to admit, her parenting advice for at-risk children is so simple yet SO life-changing.

THE CONNECTED CHILD:  By Dr. Karen Purvis

• Discipline is the one thing I feel most clueless about when it comes to how we are going to raise our soon-to-be-adopted child.  I know there are countless discipline methods out there, and I've known all along that disciplining, correcting, teaching an older adopted child needs to be approached differently than say how me or my husband were disciplined or corrected as children.  Until reading this book, I wouldn't have had any tools or knowledge on where to start!  Well, Dr. Purvis' advice on parenting is simple, doable, and really common-sense when you think about it.  Any adoptive family looking for some fresh ideas on how to help your child connect to your family should read this book!
• The challenge for me is that I know I will want to spoil my child rotten.  I'll know the bleak place where he or she came from, and I know I will want to give him everything in the world.  I would never want to discipline him or her in a way that would cause more mental, physical, or emotional scars than he may already have.  This book teaches that adopted children need discipline, they need to know that an adult is in charge, and, in fact, they are comforted by these things. 
• I love that Dr. Purvis' methods never tolerate disrespectful behavior or words from the child or parent, and I love how her methods always involve offering the child appropriate behavior choices (which are selected by the parent).  
• I love how she stresses simple ways to connect (even during a correction or teachable moment) like holding hands, maintaining eye contact, hugs, and close physical proximity.   
• I appreciate how this book addresses many neurological effects that a child's first year can have on his future years as he grows up.  There's a lot of medical/mental/physiological things that go on in a child's brain that I didn't have a clue about until reading this book.

FAVORITE TIPS & QUOTES: 

 It is me and my husband along with our child who should face the world's problems together.  We are united and should always be on the same team.

Play, Play Play!  When we as parents simply play with our child we are helping his brain develop more fully, we are helping them connect to us and build a trust fund with us, and we are presenting many positive opportunities to help them heal and gain self esteem.

 Provide "felt safety" for our child.  This is "providing an atmosphere where your children feel and experience safety for themselves."  This book goes into great detail about what this strategy looks like in practice. 

 Speak simply, using as few words as possible.  Some helpful suggested phrases are: "Use your words," Stop and breathe," "Let me see your eyes," and "Focus and finish your task."

 Use every situation to teach "life values" such as respect, using words, "no hurts", knowing who's boss, "listen & obey", and "stick together". 

 When correcting or disciplining our child, we should see these moments as opportunities for teaching our child how to live and react and function better in this world.  We should teach or show him or her how to respond better next time, and then offer him or her the opportunity for a re-do.  Choices can help the child feel more in control! They can help him or her be more successful.

Help the child know what to expect.  Describe to them what is about to happen and what they might see, hear, smell, feel during the next activity of the day.  This practice helps the child not to panic in overwhelming new situations.

This book has truly been a blessing to me; it has given me a place to start when I think about how to help my child to adjust to living as a loved member of our family.  There will no doubt be great challenges with attachment, discipline, and healing, but I now feel like I have some tools in my toolbox that I can use once that glorious day comes and we have a little one flitting around our home.

I think this book could be great for adoptive parents but also a great tool for teachers.  Being a former elementary school teacher, I know many of my students were not adopted, but they certainly had troubling, and even traumatic, backgrounds.  I can see the discipline methods suggested in this book working very well in the classroom too!

Thanks for reading,

-Shelly

You might also enjoy my reviews of:

Kisses From Katie

and

Adopted for Life

The Day After...

Our Christmas was a wonderful time spent with all of our family and celebrating Jesus, our savior!

However, we couldn't help but think of the missing member of our family.  I know we are still very early in the adoption process, but I still think of "our child" almost every day.  I wonder what he/she is doing and where he/she is.  Especially on Christmas, we were wondering what our child's Christmas was like in Bulgaria.  Was he/she warm (because it's probably snowing there)?  Did he/she receive a gift? Probably not, as orphanage kids do not typically have any personal possessions?  Did someone love on him or her? Maybe so, the orphanage workers in Bulgaria do the best they can to care for so many children, but it's still not the same as spending Christmas with a loving family?  Does our child know what Christmas is all about?  Probably not.  He or she will probably learn about Jesus' birth, life, death, and resurrection from us. 

So this Christmas, something (someone) felt missing, and although we are trying not to expect our little one to be with us by next year, we do know that adoption is a crazy journey and having our son or daughter with us by Christmas 2013 is definitely a possibility.  What a wonderful gift that would be!  Today, I pray for our child in Bulgaria, and I pray that he/she knows that someone is loving  and longing and working hard to bring him or her home!  I also pray for my friends who are in the adoption trenches right along with us right now.  Some are just beginning to dream of adopting a little one into their family, while some have been literally waiting for years.  Hang in there!  Keep praying and know that God's timing is perfect, and He will bring that perfect little one into your family at just the perfect time!

And now, I have one last push for our current fundraiser:  graphic prints!!  Our next step in the adoption is to submit all of our home study paperwork sometime in early January.  We literally only need two more items and $1,300.  Of course, I want to get all of this submitted as soon as possible because that just enables us to move a little closer to our child.  Our friend's sale of graphic prints ends on December 31st!  That means there's less than a week to get yours!  If you were thinking about buying one but haven't done so yet, this is the time!  Remember, five dollars from every print sold goes directly to our adoption fund! 

GET YOUR PRINTS HERE

Depraved Indifference

November is National Adoption Month.  

You may have already seen this 8 minute video, but it is powerful and worth a second view! I encourage you to watch and consider what God is calling you to do this holiday season to love the least of these in our world.  

We are getting into the phase of our adoption that tedious.  We have loads of paperwork to complete, lots of expensive tasks on our check list, and a whole bunch of parent education stuff that we have yet to complete.  It seems like a lot, and sometimes when I tell someone about all the stuff we currently have to do to get one step closer to our child, I get responses like, "Why do they make it so hard?   or "With all the orphans in the world, why isn't it easier to adopt one?" or  "It shouldn't be so expensive.  That's crazy that you have to jump through so many hoops!"

My answer is, "Yes, it is crazy.  Yes, it is expensive.  Yes, it is hard, but that's what we're called to do right now."  This video reminds me of the great sacrifice that Jesus paid so that I could be adopted into God's family.  My adoption wasn't easy, and my adoption was definitely costly!  It cost Jesus His life!

I sometimes wonder why I don't get more of these responses: "Oh wow, what can I do to help?"  or "Wow, how can I pray for you and your child?"  or "Wow, I want to do something about the orphan crisis too."  The lack of true care for the orphan emphasizes a growing problem with Americans.  It's the "depraved indifference" that Eric Ludy talks about.  It's ignoring that there is a problem in this world bigger than our day-to-day frustrations in middle class America.  We think because we don't live there, it's not our problem.  We think that because our budget is already tight, we have nothing to offer.  We think because they look different from us, we don't want to get involved.  We think that God is calling someone else to care for the least of these in this world.  

Now, don't get me wrong, I am not arguing that everyone should adopt.  I am not arguing that people who choose to adopt are any holier or closer to God than anyone else.  That is certainly not true of us!  But, I am arguing that I do see evidence of the depraved indifference that Ludy discusses, and I want no part of it!!  I am arguing that if you are a believer, you shouldn't want any part of it either!  I constantly pray that the Lord will break my heart for the least of these.  I ask Him to give me a heart for the lost, for the less fortunate, and for the people in my daily circle that I don't even know or like.  I cannot love these individuals on my own, but with God's Spirit in me, I can!

This holiday season, Jeremy and I have already discussed ways we can make Christmas not about us and how much money we can spend.  We feel like God is asking us to focus less on the gifts we get for our family members and more on how we can love the least of these around us.  We plan on supporting adoption fundraisers with the shopping that we do.  We plan on sending gifts to less fortunate children through Operation Christmas Child and through Compassion Intl.  We hope to help out a family in need.  Could God be calling your family as well?

Please consider what God would have you do to be less focused my money, my gifts, my shopping, my baking, my kids (Notice all the 1st person pronouns) and be more focused on how God wants you to use His money, use His gifts He has given you, help His people all around you, and rescue His children.

In honor of National Adoption Month, would you consider adoption for your family?  Would you consider helping make adoption possible for another family?  

Now, I have to share what a friend of mine has graciously offered to help us adopt.  My friend, Kristen, has used her incredible graphic design skills to create a wonderful set of topography prints.  They are really pretty and really cool.  They would make great Christmas gifts, too!  She is donating $5 from every print sold in the months of November and December to our adoption fund. Just visit her online Etsy store to view all the options.  She will take special requests as well!

Visit Kristen's store by CLICKING HERE.

Thanks for reading,

-Shelly

Trains or dresses?

If you are looking for the fundraiser raffle CLICK HERE!

This past weekend, my sister gave me lots of kids stuff.  I have a niece and a nephew, so she has things from both of their childhoods.  It was so much fun going through all the stuff she gave us.  I told Jeremy that I know we're a long way off from this, but I am gonna LOVE shopping for kids stuff.  The challenge right now is that we have no idea what to imagine.  When you are pregnant or even adopting an infant, you may not know the gender, but at least you know to imagine yourself holding a baby.  Because we have left the age range of our son or daughter open from 0-7 and did not specify a gender, we have no clue what to expect!  Will we be chasing after a little toddler, teaching a seven year old English, holding a baby, playing with trucks or playing with dolls?  Kinda fun and exciting, but the curiosity is going to drive me nuts over the next year or so!  

My favorite things I found in the stuff she gave us were some a-dorable corduroy dresses with little matching long-sleeve undershirts, perfect for a 5-7 year old.  Also, I loved the Thomas the Tank wooden rocking chair!  So, in our future child's closet there is a cute train rocker and four cutie little dresses.   Which one will we need??  We won't know for quite some time!

In addition, we also scored a beautiful gender-neutral wooden toy chest and a nice white bookshelf.  I am so excited to have some kid stuff in this house.  Our dog really doesn't know what to think about toys that beep, buzz, and flash.  This is new for her too!  By the way, here she is sleeping with her favorite squeaky ring.

She's been an "only child" her whole life.  What will she think of our addition?

 Don't forget to enter the raffle, if you have $5 to spare.  All proceeds are helping us pay our first wave of adoption and home study fees.  Thanks for visiting!