On choosing a special child

Just an old post that for some reason I never felt led to publish until now.  I guess I was just getting down all my fears and feelings and thoughts that day.


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I am writing this post before we have even told anyone about choosing Ivelina.  We met with a pediatric specialist yesterday who specializes in developmental disorders and children with traumatic backgrounds.  She was great!

The only things we had to take to her was one photo, 4 videos, a few of our girl's measurements, and some very confusing anecdotal information.  It was amazing how much she could tell us about our girl from just this small bit of info.

We left the meeting encouraged by many of things the doctor said.  But also....I felt...a little fear creeping in.  We are choosing a little girl with special needs.  We don't even know the extent of her needs, but we know she is very behind emotionally, mentally, and developmentally for her age.  We also know that she doesn't speak any English.  Wha?!  Are we crazy?

Yes, I know what some people are thinking and will think about us:

"You guys must be gluttons for punishment.  Why choose such a difficult child?"
"How in the world do you plan on communicating with her?"
"What are you going to do about school?  She's so behind and no one speaks Bulgarian around here."
"You guys will be parenting her forever.  She'll never be able to catch up."
"Wow, this girl could have some serious issues.  You two have no experience.  What makes you think you can parent a child like her?"
"Do you know what you're getting yourselves into?"

*Sigh*  Yes, we know people are going to think these things.  And really some people have actually said these things to me. Admittedly, I have had some of these same thoughts running through my head in the 24 hours since meeting with the doctor.

Yes, we are new to parenting.

Yes, Ivelina does have some challenging needs, and we don't even know what they all are!
No, we don't know exactly how we are going to go about all this.

No, she might not grow up to graduate from college and have a high-paying job and a husband with 2.5 kids of her own. Then, again she might.

But, here's what I've also been thinking:

• We're not in this alone.  We will be parenting with the help of each other and the Lord.
• If we don't adopt Ivelina, who will? I think about the fate of a little girl like her if she remains in institutional care.  She is already at a crucial age where soon she will be moved to an older children's orphanage.  The prospects are grim for orphans as they get older and older.  They get less and less "cute," they grow further and further behind, and honestly families just hesitate to adopt older children who come with so much baggage.  Apparently, she has been looked over many times before, and her future, if she ages out of the institutional system, is not hopeful.  Orphans who age out of the system fall prey to abuse, prostitution, and human trafficking.  We feel a sense of urgency to love and care for and protect this little one.
• All kids have issues!  Adopted children may have a different set of issues than a biological child, but all children have some special needs. 
• I believe Christians should be in the forefront of caring for the least of these in this world.  Jesus encourages us to do so, and yet, I think fear of taking on such a challenging task scares the church away from this immense need.  Fear definitely got a hold of me for a little while this week.
• No, we are not experts in special needs, behavior disorders, mental delays, or ESL, but who better to take on these challenges than God's people?  His perfect love casts out all fear!  He will be with us. 

So, those are my thoughts on choosing a child with special needs.  We are still figuring all this out.  I'm sure I can blog more on this topic once we actually have met her and have her home with us.

The need is so great for adopting children with special needs.  Is God maybe calling you to care for the least of these in this way?  


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Will you you be a part of this journey with us?  Help support our adoption by donating this weekend through our G1S1 fundraiser.  The link to our adoption video and giving button is HERE.  The fundraiser ends on SUNDAY, so visit the link today and please share with any of your friends. We only need around $60 more dollars and we will have our matching grant fully funded!

Thanks for reading,

Shelly

My response to Dear Abby

My mom is an avid newspaper reader and always checks out the popular Dear Abby column each day.  Tonight she called to read one of the letters sent in and Dear ol' Abby's response.  It's adoption related, and I have to admit, this is one we haven't heard yet.

The letter was from Miss "Ticked Off," who apparently was "increasingly disgusted" by two friends' "continuous pleas for money" to help fund their international adoption of two children.  This adoptive couple had requested donations for a yard sale, had set up an online store to sell coffee, and had had a couple of dinners to help raise funds.  (What do ya know, our family has hosted these exact same fundraisers!)  This reader wanted to know if she was wrong for being so ticked off and annoyed by her friend's repetitive requests. 

As my mom read the letter, I admit, my blood started to boil a bit (especially after the rotten day I had).  But, then she read my Abby's response.  Are you ready?

DEAR TICKED OFF: It appears your "friends" are taking advantage of your generosity. It will continue for only as long as you permit it. Because the requests for help are continuous, are you absolutely sure this couple is really in the middle of the adoption process and not using the money for some other purpose? Before donating anything else, you should find out.

                               -- taken from dearabby.com on 06-13-13

First, "taking advantage of your generosity" is very hurtful.  I am positive that NO adoptive family wants to have to raise funds for their adoption.  It can be a humbling, humiliating, and frustrating process.  When we do muster up the energy and time to host a fund raiser event, we are always worried that 1.) no one will care and no one will show up and 2.) that someone will feel we are imposing on them.  So, when folks actually show up to help, give, and support, we are always blown away.  We feel so grateful that it's hard to put into words.  For Abby to claim that this adoptive family is taking advantage of a friend's generosity is hurtful because I'm sure that's the last thing they want to do and one of the first things they are worried about.  I surely pray that our friends do not think this of us.  If so, please know that we love you and appreciate your support, and it would just break our hearts to think that we had offended you in any way by asking for your support.

Second, "Are you absolutely sure this couple is really in the middle of the adoption process and not using the money for some other purpose?"  Wow!  For having been around so long, Dear Abby sure doesn't know a thing about international adoptions.  This couple is adopting two children; that endeavor could easily cost 35K-45K, depending on the agency and country! That figure alone makes it near impossible to earn the needed amount of funds with just one fundraiser event.  It is very reasonable to think that the couple could need to host several different events to meet their financial goals.  What is unreasonable is that Abby would jump straight to the conclusion that this adoptive couple was unethical and dishonest in their dealings without even knowing them at all.  We know many adoptive families who have held multiple fundraisers; we have supported them when we were able and have never questioned their intentions.  This would be like getting offended that a friend invited us to her child's birthday party year after year.  "Didn't they get enough presents last year?" "What are they doing with all those gifts?"

Something related to this that we should consider:  have you ever thought about what percentage of your charitable donations actually go to directly support the cause you believe in? 
     - If you donate to World Vision, 88 cents per dollar goes directly to support the cause.
     - If you donate to The American Cancer Society, 70 cents per dollar supports the cause.
     - If you donated to the new George Bush Presidential Library Foundation, less than 70 cents went   to actually fund this cause. 
                                                      source

I'm not putting down any of these charities; I am simply making the point that bigger charities like these must have employees.  Therefore, some donation monies inevitably does cover overhead costs. 

However, if you donate to an adoption fund, consider that 100% of your donation goes to support the family's cause.  There is no overhead and no administrative fees.  We're not using your money to fund our dream vacation or buy the latest iphone device (heck, we aren't even going on to the beach this summer, and our phones are like 5 years old with no data plan). If you want the best bang for your buck, giving to an adoption is the way to go!  (Many couples have their giving set up to be tax-deductible too!)

Also, consider this: when you give to Goodwill, or the American Red Cross, or the wonderful charity of your choice, you may not ever get the reward of seeing the effects of your donation.  You know it went "out there" somewhere to support the general cause, but when you donate to an adoption fund, especially of someone you know personally, one day you will have the sweet reward of seeing just what wonderful thing your money did! 

For us, that reward will be a happy, smiling, funny little girl who will most likely light up our family's future holiday dinners and squirm and wiggle in the pews of our home church.  That reward might sit in your Sunday School class one day, and you may even see her get baptized one Sunday.  Your son or daughter might invite her to a play date or a birthday party. You might see her strolling with us around the neighborhood or one day see pictures of her high school graduation streaming across my Facebook page.  What a wonderful thing to be able to be a part of something so real and so sweet and so redemptive.   

I was so honored that my mom emailed a response in to her newspaper to help defend our family and all the fundraising adoptive families out there.

What are your thoughts in this topic?