Five months home

Five months in her forever home...where do I even start?

I'll start with this girl really is wonderful. She is funny, adorable, dramatic, quirky, and sharp. She is super observant, has a perfect memory of little things, and doesn't miss a beat. 

But, just for anyone who thinks adoption is all hugs, kisses, butterflies, and gotcha day videos, the thing I didn't expect in this adoption process was that for the first three months home, I don't think I could honestly always says about her "This girl is wonderful." Those months were tough.  I wanted to feel love, affection, and adoration for this sweet little girl, but I just didn't. I tried to fake it, but even my efforts at that probably failed. I'm sure Ivelina could tell most days that I was frazzled, stressed out, and irritated with her. There were many moments that I hated, and there are so many moments that I wish I could take back. Moments I hope we both forget.

I'm happy to say that this fifth month in her forever home has been the best yet!  Ivelina is making such great strides in every part of her new life. I will detail just a few for you:

1.) School:  Ivelina is doing so well in the Moorhouse Home School. She understands the positive reward system we have in place, and because she is regulating her behavior so much better, she is learning so much more!  She can recognize all 26 capital letters now and about half of the lower case letters. She can count to 10 and recognize numbers 0-10. She knows all her colors, and she is quickly learning to recognize basic geometric shapes. Writing is her most challenging area, but she has come a long way with tracing. She loves books. She loves learning about the human body and animals. We are so proud of her hard work!

2.) Evaluations: We are still trying to get Ivelina evaluated. This month she completed her psycho-educational testing at the local elementary school. The day before Thanksgiving we will have a meeting to discuss the results of all the testing. Like most special needs parents, we long for a label. We want to know for sure exactly what Ivie's special needs are so that we can locate the professionals and the resources that will best help her. However, I suspect for some reason that the battery of tests they performed on her simply will not suffice. I feel like there are many internalized issues Ivie may have that are a product of her previous environment. These deficits simply won't register on the tests the school system performs. How do you label a deficit of parental love or a delay in physical touch or a lack of security or a deep-seated sadness?  It's tough. Still, we are looking forward to discussing the results and trying to get her started with some therapy that we think will help her academically.

3.) Attachment: I have had a particularly good month for attachment with Ivie. Before adopting, I never expected me to have difficulties in attachment. I knew Ivelina would have a hard time, but I underestimated the importance of me and Jeremy attaching to her. After all the waiting and hard work to bring her home, I just thought we would naturally and automatically be ready to love her. That has been tougher than we thought, but this an area where I have seen God work in big ways!  Just the other day, I went shopping with my mom all day while Jeremy stayed home with Ivelina. Normally, these moments when I can get out alone are a breath of fresh air. I feel relieved to get away and be able to drive in peace and quiet. That particular day while driving home I found myself really missing my people. I had been away for several hours, and I couldn't wait to see Jeremy and Ivelina and show them what I picked up in town. I actually missed Ivelina and couldn't wait to get home to spend some time playing with her. That was a big change for me! These changes in affections, changes in attitudes, changes in feelings have been happening more and more. I know love is not all about feelings and emotions, but it sure is an answered prayer for me to feel like a mom and feel a motherly love and adoration for my child. 

4.) Language:  Wow! We are impressed and amazed at this child's ability to learn English. She now repeats everything we say. She is using longer, more complex sentences. She is asking for specific things and voicing her opinions on things. She is using days of the week to describe when things will happen. She is specifying things by describing their color and shape and location. She is learning how to answer questions appropriately although she still needs a little help with that. She is learning people's names, names of places we frequent; she knows a simple prayer and she knows a few simple songs. She still has a few words that she hardly ever says in English like the word for love and the word for play. She has many words that she says both languages side-by-side.  For example, she always says toy igrachki and shoe obuvki together. Most of her sentences are Englarian, or a mixture of Bulgarian and English. She says "All done liagane" for all done with nap and "Next Sunday, ella tuk little church" for talking about how we will come to small group again next Sunday. It really is nice to be able to communicate better now. 

Random Ivelina-isms:

• During bath time, she almost always wants to talk to me about her old home. She mentions her friends (and a few enemies) from her orphanage, and she can answer many of the questions I ask her about her old life. 
• Ivelina also prays for her friends from her old home to get new mamas and tatys. I help her pray for them. It is sad and sweet all at the same time. 
• Her new favorite word is probably.  However, she stutters this word horribly.  It sounds something like "Mama, pro, po, prob, probab, po, probably after nap I can play with baby dolls?"  
• This girl will do about anything for a sucker or a piece of gum. I am not ashamed to admit this is how I motivate her to behave half the time!  
• Loves to eat salad, chili, hotdogs, chocolate, cereal, cornbread muffins, toast with butter, eggs, bacon, sausage, beans, and bananas. She is starting to develop her own likes and dislikes. She currently does not like potatoes, cheese, peas, green beans, and corn. She comes into the kitchen to inspect the counter to see what I'm cooking, and if she spots a food she doesn't like, she politely says, "No thank you potatoes."  It's cute. I don't totally cater to her preferences, but I try to make sure every meal contains something that I know she will eat and like.
• She blames our dog Josey for everything. 
• She loves for Jeremy to pat her on the back and say "good job."
• She loves for Taty to sit on the floor and play with her and her blue monkey.
• She is such a lover of routine!  We have many routines for different parts of the day. At nap time she recites the routine, "First pee-pee in the toilet then one hour nap. Two blankets, music, fish lights on." At meals "Every finish lunch then candy." 
• Every morning when I am heading off to work, she hates to see me go. Lately, she's been acting like a little mama though by reminding me to get my coat and my water bottle and kiss her good bye and kiss Josey goodbye. Then she recites the routine. "Mama work, Taty school. Then mama comes home after nap time! Ivelina will be happy!" 
• We love the way she tells us that she stepped on something. She says, "Ivelina step-a-ta block." Or, complaining about the dog,  "Josey step-a-ta Ivelina's blanket"
• She loves animals. Loves seeing animal shows on TV. For some reason she always asks if the animal has a stinky back.  Makes me laugh. I usually respond, "I don't know Ivelina. I have never smelled a tiger's back." Or fill in the blank with any other animal she is viewing.
• She LOVES church!  She dances to the music like she's in da club. She definitely doesn't get her dance ability from us! She calls our corporate worship "Big Church" and our small gospel community get togethers "Little Church."
• She's getting more southern by the day.  The other day she said in all English, "I can't git it." I just laughed and thought...geesh, do I really say "git?"
• Everyone is complimenting her hair these days. It is gorgeous! Thick, dark brown, and shiny. It's getting long enough to almost push behind her ears. Her favorite way to wear it around the house is with a stretchy headband. I'm so jealous of that hair!

Oh goodness, there is so much more!  I write all these random things mostly for me so that I can look back and read this one day and remember what she was like at this time. So sweet, so precious, so funny!  She's such a hoot and a joy to everyone who meets her. 

Happy five months home, Ivelina.

January 2014, Bulgaria

Halloween 2014, home

In and out of the cocoon

Ivelina has been home three months, and, we are partly out of our cocooning stage. We still do not want others giving Ivelina food and water. We still are not leaving her in the care of others. She is still not completely attached to us. But, we are taking her almost everywhere we go. She is pretty accustomed to most public places now: grocery store, library, park, bank, gas station, Walmart, Staples, etc. We have even taken her to a new church we have been visiting.

These past two weeks have been doozies!  Ivelina has two awesome days where she seems almost "normal" followed by two totally weird days where I can't figure her out! Jeremy described her as a book we've been given with the first few chapters ripped out. We have sort of figured out a few things that trigger weird or regressive behavior in her, but sometimes she leaves us completely stumped. It's on these days that we retreat back into our cocoon, stay a little closer to home, limit the number of toys she has, and limit the number of people she's around.It's two steps out of the cocoon and one step back in.

On a brighter note: Ivelina is learning!!  Yay! Her English has taken off, and she is having a few more good school days than bad. Her counting is improving, and she has almost learned all of the ABC song. We try to make learning as fun, interactive, and multi-sensory as possible. Here are a few shots from the week when Ivelina learned letter H. The week after that was a review week for us.

We have been using BINGO stamp markers for everything, including counting!

A few Letter of the Week activities we completed while learning letter H.

We have also started learning about my favorite season: Fall!!  I could not get her to hold her head down, and every time I gave her instructions, the photo just got worse!

Taty was out of town for three days, so I made some plain "Welcome Home Taty" posters, and Ivelina practiced her letter recognition and her coloring skills as she decorated them. She was truly happy to welcome him back home after his trip.

So far, we have learned letters A (apple), E (elephant), H (hippo), Z (zebra), and F (fish) + we have had a review week. This all culminated in a trip to the zoo!  It was a blast! 

Here's the video Jeremy made from our day:

Thanks for reading,
-Shelly

Attachment - the loose plan

We were expecting to get our pick up dates last Friday, and still no word. We could be receiving them any day now.  That being said, I am in FULL-ON nesting mode! Sweep behind appliances, dust my ceiling fan blades, clean out the file cabinet, clean baseboards kind of nesting mode!  I want our house clean enough to last us several months because when Ivelina comes home, deep-cleaning will probably be much lower on the totem pole around here! Besides, how could Ivelina come home to lint behind my washer and dryer!?

What will be in the fore-front of our minds when she comes home is attachment. This is something most birth moms + babies do not even have to think about. Holding a baby close, rocking him or her to sleep, whispering and humming in his ear, breast feeding, etc. These are things that naturally take place between moms and dads and their little ones. Each of these actions builds an attachment, or a bond, between the child and his or her parents.

When we began the adoption process back in 2012, I had not really given much thought to attachment. I really didn't know what it was or that it was important, but then we completed an adoption learning course all about attachment. Then, I read about my blogger friends' attachment experiences, their methods for fostering attachment, and their wins and their struggles in this area. I began to realize the foundational importance for children to develop secure attachments at a young age. These early attachments set the stage for the way the child will relate to people for the rest of his or her life!  Whew!  That's a lot of pressure!

Needless to say, when Ivelina arrives home in NC, attachment is our #1 priority! Experts say that it could take roughly one month for every year a child has spent in an institution for him or her to develop a secure attachment to the adoptive parents. Ivelina is turning 8 this month, and she has lived in an institution for her entire life. That means it will take a minimum of 8 months for her to begin to feel attached to this new place, new family, new life. If she comes home in June, 8 months would be around February. This, of course, is an estimate.  Every child is different; Ivelina could show signs of attachment earlier or much later than this date.

Some families call this initial time of building attachments "cocooning." The immediate family in essence builds a protective "cocoon" around their child for a time period in order to give the child enough time to bond with the family. Slowly, as the child develops attachment, the cocoon opens, and the child begins to experience more and more of the world around him.

So what's our plan during this time to help foster healthy attachment between us and Ivie? Well, we have been discussing this quite a bit, and we have decided on a few guidelines that we would like to follow. We do hold these loosely because we want to be flexible to Ivelina's needs. We really have no idea how easy or difficult this change in her life will be for her. 

We want to share these to help make our friends and family members aware of the importance of these first few months together. If we're acting weird or if you don't see us for a while, there's a reason: we are busy cocooning!

Our Attachment Guidelines

1. No daycare or babysitters!  This is a big one for us, and I think it is going to be difficult. Jeremy works at night. I work in the morning, afternoon, and night sometimes, but I am making some big changes to my schedule in order to prevent daycare and babysitters. We feel strongly that we need to be Ivelina's only caretakers for quite a while after she is home.  She really does not have a frame of reference for what a mama and daddy are, so we want to give her the experience that we are the ones who care for her needs and love her. This means she won't be able to spend the night with grandparents or cousins for quite some time. She won't be able to stay in children's church away from us. And, no she will not be going to public school in the fall (I get that question a lot). Basically, we will avoid any situation where we would be dropping her off for another adult to watch over her for any length of time. 
2. Related to #1 but more specifically, we will be the only ones to feed, bathe, and comfort Ivelina for quite some time. Ivelina has had many caretakers, and in some ways she has had to care for herself quite a bit being one child in a crowded orphanage. We want Ivelina to begin to trust us and depend on us to meet her basic physical and emotional needs. This means if you have a treat, a drink, or a plate of food for her, we will want you to give it to us first. Then, we will give it to her. If she gets hurt, tell us and we will pick her up, comfort her, and put a bandaid on. I understand this may sound weird, but we have decided that for several months, this guideline will help Ivie develop a healthy bond with us. Naturally, if we allowed her to stay with other adults in charge, #2 would not be accomplished, so these first two go hand-in-hand.
3. Limit new busy and noisy public places. Our home will be our cocoon for the next several months. No, this doesn't mean we are going to become hermits, but we will be limiting Ivelina's exposure to a lot of hub-bub and stimuli that she may not understand.  We not only want Ivelina to bond with us during our initial few months together, but we also want her to become comfortable in her new home. Living in a house with her own room, her own bed, a barking dog, appliances, telephones, and carpet will be stimuli enough for one girl! We feel that if we place her in too many different environments too early on, it could cause her to meltdown just from the frustration of processing everything!  We plan to introduce her to new places little by little and for short periods of time until she becomes accustomed to them. 
4. Increase physical touch!!  Everything we have read teaches that physical touch is the #1 way to build attachment. This means allowing Ivelina to sit on our laps while we read to her is good. Painting each others' nails, styling hair, and tickling is good. Holding hands, throwing her up into the air (she loved this on trip #1), and being her patient while she plays doctor is good. Hugs and kisses are great!  High fives, sitting side by side, and giving piggy-back rides are all good for building attachment through physical touch. One strategy related to touch that we have learned is called "mirroring." This just means mirroring Ivelina's actions. For example, if she is dancing back and forth to a favorite song, I would mimic her by dancing back and forth too. If she is sitting criss-cross on the floor playing with a toy, I would sit criss-cross opposite of her, copying her behavior. We may try this as an additional way to build attachment. 
5. Establish routines. As much as possible, once Ivie is home, we will try to establish a loose daily routine so that she can learn what to expect for her days. I have learned from our adoption reading and from my teaching experience that routine can be comforting to children. At certain times like bedtime, for example, we would like to establish a routine so she comes to know what to expect. Our hope is that predictable routines will help her adjust to her new home, feel comfortable here, and learn to trust us as her mama and daddy.

These are just guidelines we will be trying to hold to. Like I said, though, we are expecting to be adaptive to her needs and flexible as well. We have no idea how long it will be before she has fully adjusted and bonded with us and her new surroundings. We have been told by many who have walked this road before us that after a year, we will look back and really be thankful that we took the time and effort to focus on attachment. We are trusting that this will be the best decision for our family as well!

One question we have struggled with is "when can we take her to church?"  This is a tough one for us. We love church and regularly attend a worship service and Sunday School. We want Ivelina to be in church as well, but we also both agree that church would be one of those busy, highly stimulating places: lots of people, loud music, lots of English, new smells, and tons of people being curious about her. Plus, if she went to Sunday School or stayed in children's church during the service, other adults would be in charge of her, and that would break our #1 guideline. So, this is one of those things we don't have an exact plan for just yet, but we venture to say it will be a pretty good while before we take our daughter to church. We will have to wait and see how she is doing. Just because you don't see one or either of us at church over the next several months, it doesn't mean we don't want to be there. We are just not ready to come as a family, but we pray that after our cocooning time has ended, we will be there to worship together. I'm sure this part of our attachment phase is going to be tough for us as parents, but we think it will be the wisest decision in the long run for our daughter.

Another thing we aren't sure about is the homecoming moment. I know many families literally have a party in the airport. I don't think we want to go that route though. Ivelina's world is going to be turned upside down. We are sure that she will be confused and stressed out from the traveling, and having a party waiting on might be too much to handle! We are leaning toward having one family member pick us up and drive us home where a few other close family members will be waiting. Everyone can meet her and visit for a short time. Then, we can begin life in our home as a little family of three.

So readers, if you are an adoptive parent, what guidelines or tips have helped you build an attachment with your child?  And, how did you handle taking your child to church for the first time? 

Thanks for reading,

Shelly