I think God was showing me something today.
I need to add a little back story before I tell the story, though.
I have a confession. Since September 13th, I have doubted God. There, I said it.
I have really allowed this bump in our adoption journey to discourage me and create doubt. Maybe every couple goes through this stage as they wait, but I have been thinking (worrying)...
This adoption will never be complete.
Maybe God will take Ivelina away from us.
Maybe we have been too hasty in specifically planning for her because it might not ever happen.
Are we just setting ourselves up for disappointment?
What if we are never parents?
Then, I have wondered if I have made an idol out of adoption. I asked myself, "If we never receive the joy of that daughter in our arms, will Christ still be enough for me?" ooohh...that's a toughie. At least, at that moment it was for me. My honest answer was "no." He's enough if He'll let me be a mom too. He's enough if He would just speed this thing up! He's enough if ___. Something is just inherently wrong with that "if" no matter what you fill in the blank.
In my quiet time, I have prayed for peace, I have prayed for clarity, I have prayed for encouragement. I think I got it today.
When I was driving to work, I was praying for lots of things, including our adoption journey. I had KLove on quietly to where I could barely hear it, but I heard a song that I like come on. Okay, so I know I should probably be praying in a less distracting environment, but, I turned it up and sang at the top of my lungs,
You brought me this far
So why would I question you now
You have provided
So why would I start to doubt
I've never been stranded
Abandoned or left here to fight alone
So I'm giving you control
I lift my life, lift my life up
I give it all in surrender
I lift my heart, lift my heart up
You can have it forever
All my dreams, all my plans
Lord I leave it in your hands
I lift my life, lift my life up
Have your way in me
So, I'm not crazy about the singer's very high male voice at the end, but overall I have always liked the sound of this song. I had never really heard those lyrics though. They were actually very difficult for me to sing when I honestly realized what I was singing. The tears began to flow and there on my way to work I decided that I've been stupid and selfish and I have indeed made adoption an idol in my life. That's the one thing that I had to have in order to feel fulfilled. For a few weeks, because of the unknown in our adoption, I couldn't really answer that question "Is Christ enough?" with an resounding yes. As I sang the chorus though, it became a prayer for me, and I could once again feel myself letting go of this journey to parenthood and truly giving the Lord control over that one little part of my life I've wanted to keep for myself.
Take a listen. What do you need to surrender to God today? For me, praying a prayer of surrender is something I have to do daily.
Thank you, God, for being so gracious and patient with me even when I mess up.
Christ really is enough, no matter what happens.
"I lift my life, lift my life up. I give it all in surrender."
"All my dreams, all my plans, Lord I lay them in your hands."
Thanks for reading