Tuesday, I became discouraged when a fundraiser idea I had all planned out in my head fell through.
I have been trying SO hard to pray without ceasing, stay in scripture and find peace there and NOT worry about the finances of our adoption.
But, as soon as this fundraising idea fell through, I immediately felt panic creeping in all around me. All evening at work, my mind was racing, already jumping 15 steps ahead and thinking about what our next step can be. I couldn't even fall asleep that night. Couldn't turn my brain off!
The next morning, I pulled out my Bible thinking that I wanted to read the passage in Matthew 17 about having faith that can move mountains. I turned there and (like a good seminary student) read the verse in its context. I had forgotten that this passage came just after the transfiguration of Jesus. So, I read that story as well.
God was definitely trying to show me something special that I have never noticed. Jesus had just taken some of His disciples up on a mountain and, all of a sudden, right before them started glowing and then Moses and Elijah show up too. I kept being drawn to Peter's response. In typical Peter fashion, instead of being in awe over Jesus and the miraculous thing that is happening right before him, Peter starts talking and telling Jesus that he wants to build the three of them a tabernacle. Jesus is glowing and two dead Fathers of the faith show up and Peter is making plans to build tents!? God had to take special measures to shut him up and get his attention. A great cloud overshadows Peter, and God's voice booms out saying this:
"This is My beloved Son, with whom I am well-pleased. Listen to Him!"
Out of the whole story, that is what kept sticking out to me. I think God sometimes, wants to and does do this to me. While I'm busy thinking, planning, brainstorming, worrying, and talking, God just wants to shout at me to BE QUIET and LISTEN to His Son. Later in Matthew 17 comes the part about having faith as small as a mustard seed being enough to say to a mountain, "move" and it will move. I think God wanted me to hear this message loud and clear and to remember to be still and know that He is in control.
To really drive the message home, later, I was in the car and heard a new song by Jason Castro called, "Only a Mountain." Here is part of the chorus:
This is only a mountain
You don't have to find your way around it
Tell it to move, it'll move
Tell it to fall, it'll fall
So, I vowed, even though I am battling worry & panic right now, I will not make anymore plans regarding our adoption or our fundraising until I take a few days to be quiet, listen to Jesus, and clear my head so that I can hear what He has to say.
I'm still listening. Today, I lost part of my teaching job for this semester. Not really what I was hoping God would show me this week, but I am trying my very best to stay positive! God is still on the throne. He knows our need. He is in control. He will take care of this mountain. Be still.